Shame
First I'd like to distinguish two related but functionally different concepts:
- State shame, a temporary state of disrupted connection that is marked by sharp mental pain and profound parasympathetic dominance ('dorsal vagal' or 'freeze' reaction) State shame subsides spontaneously, more quickly if interpersonal repair occurs, more slowly if not. The core of the concept is the bodily state and experience in the moment.
- Trait shame or Basic Fault, a chronic deficiency in one's sense of legitimacy and goodness that is marked by hyper-defensiveness, avoidance or indirectness in interpersonal relations, and a disturbed relationship to one's self-interest. The core of the concept is the way of relating, either to tasks or to people in the world
State Shame
State shame is a physiological and emotional reaction. It occurs when one feels a rupture in attachment, especially with important others. State shame is best thought of as an acute painful attachment experience rather than an emotion. In the body, it consists of a feeling of warmth, nausea, red face, tucking the sacrum (tail) in, trying to achieve a C-shape to minimize the body, averting eye contact, and hanging of the head..
The healthy shame state is usually preceded by an over-exuberant state of excitement in which the person 'was carried away' with a goal that intruded on others. When the realization occurs, spontaneously, or from protests, of the harm, the person shifts into this profoundly parasympathetic state, as of way of 'reversing engines'. The harmlessness of a person in the shame state is useful in achieving repair. Usually, offended others are then willing to 'take the person back in' quickly.
The state abates usually within 15 minutes to an hour. The resolution is quicker if repair has been achieved, longer if repair has not. There may only be a partial return toward homeostasis if an issue remains unresolved. Embarrassment is state shame invoked by the sudden realization of violating social norms. That is why blushing is associated with embarrassment.
During the state of shame, the tendency is to hide oneself, stay away from loved ones, deny oneself pleasure, and abuse oneself. In a healthy family or community, this elicits the concern of others who insist on the shamed party receiving the opposite, which breaks the shame state emotionally and physically and completes relationship repair.
These days state shame is usually only seen in children because of the constriction in the autonomic nervous system that is so commonly developed in our society. If the physical signs of shame do break through in adulthood they may be confused with a panic attack.
Unfortunately, in a high demand culture like ours, there is a tendency to abuse the docility of the shame state in order to attempt to socialize children. Young children are shamed (threatened with emotional abandonment) for harmless behavior merely in order to get them to conform prematurely to adult goals. That is, children are shamed for natural behavior, and will come to feel permanent shame about their bodies and impulses. Worse yet, reconciliation is deliberately delayed to 'milk' the docility. This abuse of state shame probably has a contribution to the development of Basic Fault as described below.
Trait Shame or Basic Fault
Basic Fault is term coined by Michael Balint It refers to the feeling and belief that one is unacceptable and unaccepted, because one is 'not enough'. The name derives not from an actuality of defect, for that is untrue, but from an erroneous, conscious and unconscious, sense of defect or fault. Basic fault differs from state shame in that instead of parasympathetic dominance, it is built on a baseline shift toward the sympathetic (fight or flight). It comes with a weak core (belly, solar plexus area) that never develops well and is largely unfelt by the mind.
With basic fault, one always feels that one should be different than what one is. The physical correlate is "not being comfortable in one's skin." While often this discomfort is channeled into efforts to 'improve' oneself, these will-based efforts, successful or not, never lead to feeling 'at ease' Despite momentary delight at these improvement efforts, a great deal of distraction and numbing will be employed, if not on a continuous basis, then in between great pushes of achievement efforts. To contrast, for the non-shame-traited, growth stems creatively out of desire or purpose, not from 'improving' oneself.
Basic fault may come about because state shame has been too much too early. Basic fault may also arise from failures of nurture that predate the capacity for state shame (ie the first two months of life or in utero).
Sometimes there is 'shameless' behavior that represents unconscious rebellion from the oppressive effect of the Basic Fault. Often drugs or alcohol or other episodically disinhibiting maneuvers are used to facilitate the 'shameless' acting out.
Basic fault more commonly produces many indirect behaviors meant to hide the basic situation. That is, the shamed state is treated as if it is itself shameful. This is an area where many good books and approaches are available from outside the body psychotherapy tradition. The one caveat is that even when the relational impacts of Basic Fault (shame) are understood, attempts at correcting oneself cognitively are counter-productive in the long run. That is because being put in the position of trying to perform 'acceptably' was the original bind, and trying to perform acceptability is no better as an adult. Suggestions on real shame-busting follow below after the list of traits.
A key issue is the inability to distinguish human fallibility from a character flaw or a moral fault. All humans are fallible, that is, fallibility is not a flaw or a fault. Fallibility cannot be lessened and attempting to do so by vigilance and denial has many damaging effects on relationships. Basic Fault drives people to hide or attack their own humanity.
Basic Fault or Chronic Shame Traits
- Addressing everything in terms of performance
- Perfectionism. This is not about high standards but rather keeping an illusion of infallibility. (By the way, perfect doesn't in the real world.)
- Avoiding learning situations that are not quick, and so having trouble acquiring deep skills despite talent. A tendency to avoid undertakings with a 'long learning curve' develops.
- Failure-izing struggle. Anything worth doing has to be accomplished by successive approximation, which means the first try rarely works but something is learned and some progress is made. With shame though, if the first try doesn't work, the person gives up and may even be ashamed of having tried.
- Difficulty taking even constructive criticism. Difficulty in learning in contexts which require a lot of correction
- Poor listening
- Survival orientation
- Fear of failure, even in situations where there is no pass/fail sorting going on.
- Constant busyness, unable just to be
- Tendency to hurry things, even when there is time, perhaps out of a sense that one might be taken to task at any moment.
- Scarcity mind-set or zero-sum orientation
- Self-deprecation but an intolerance of or sensitivity to criticism by others
- Seeing everything in terms of right or wrong. All or none thinking. Black and white thinking.
- Blaming others.
- Judging others on intentions, judging self on results
- Anticipating rejection
- Vigilance about the approval of others
- Treating effort as a virtue rather than as a tool; overdoes everything.
- Never feels like an adult
- Difficulty making decisions that affect other people (despite usually having adamant ideas about what should be done)
- Difficulty asking for anything
- Difficulty accepting gifts and difficulty enjoying gifts accepted.
- Trying to be self-sufficient.
- Over- concern with conformity or over-concerned with rebellion.
- Escapism. Too much time spent watching TV, sports, video games, easily read books, surfing the Internet, porn, shopping, etc...
- Eating problems, especially eating to 'fill a hole.,' which is an attempt to distend the stomach so that it presses on the solar plexus area and provides a momentary sense of self.
- Filling needs and wants with crumbs (things that may have some little value but no one else wants)
- External locus of control
- Trying to control situations indirectly
- Trying to please others
- Concealing struggle
- Concealing problems
- Seeking praise but having difficulty accepting it.
- Forming covert contracts (giving with unspoken strings attached)
- Resenting being asked for anything, despite taking a stance of willingness to help.
- Denying anger, but expressing a lot of negativity.
- Denying sadness, but focusing on losses, disappointments and grievances.
- Wanting to give and never take (but giving with so many strings and expectations attached that one is seen as a poor source for anything good)
- Tendency to conceal self-perceived faults
- Secretiveness
- Resentments
- Compartmentalization This is the strategy of only telling someone what they would know about or find out anyway. In this way, no one person knows a lot about the person, and what each person knows is different.
- Justifying actions, even when not asked to
- Trying to control moods, addiction common.
- Easily flooded
'Shameless' Traits
- "Ruling by Rage"
- Very critical of others
- Controlling situations by direct demands or threats
- Judging self on intentions, judging others on results
- Shooting fish in a barrel. Examples of other people's well known egregious failures or ethical lapses are constantly brought up to make the speaker feel better about him or herself.
- Taking the role of victim
- Refusing to take any responsibility
- Scapegoating. This is more than blame, people or groups are labeled as intrinsically bad and the cause of problems generally. More mildly, practices or viewpoints are scapegoated
Two Directions of Adaptation
Although the above traits are exhibited by all individuals with basic fault, there is a split in the pattern of over-all relating to others that can be confusing. A small minority of individuals become tyrants, demeaning others, attacking peremptorily, attempting to control others and situations, and deflecting all feedback causing discomfort. This is also known as "identifying' with the aggressor." See the 'shameless' traits above. ( Also see 'covert' narcissist)
However the majority of people adapt by taking an inferior position, becoming self-doubting, placating, pleasing, self-deprecating, avoidant, and other focusing --nice-guys or nice-girls, tending strongly toward the submissive and self-effacing.
Being Manipulated by Shame
Individuals following the 'inferiority' adaptation described in the above paragraph unconsciously believe other people are morally superior and respond to disagreement, judgment, belittlement, teasing, opposition, discomfort in others, confidence in others, and anger in others, etc, by feeling defective, shameful, and guilty. They will stop what they are doing and let go of their plans and desires, even when no valid reason has been provided. Potent weapons against individuals carrying a sense of basic fault include both direct accusations and implications that they are 'stupid', 'selfish', 'greedy', 'dirty', 'messy,' 'immature,' and 'weird,' etc. But any conflict can have this disabling effect.
Sometimes entire ongoing relationships can be based on being manipulated by shame, either because a 'tyrant' (described in the section above) enters the picture, or because the inferiority-adapted person co-creates such a relationship over time with a more confident person. After all, it is a rare individual who can resist for long the ease of pushing buttons.
Shame Busters
- Body-based therapy. Especially core strengthening and grounding. Core fitness classes are very popular right now, but they may not be effective if muscle recruitment patterns bypass the core muscles. In this case Pilates is very helpful. This increases the sense of self and the experience of agency.
- Pleasure. Here we are talking about the involuntary experience, for which one puts oneself in situations where it is likely to be experienced. It is not legitimate to twist the meaning of the word and insist one "gets pleasure" from compulsive activities like overwork etc...
- Saying No There is an adage of growth work: "Knowing by No-ing" The act of saying no is self-definitional. Claiming the right to change one's mind is included.
- Learning to ask and take graciously. Asking for something the other person is willing to give but which would not be forthcoming if it was not asked for. Gathering 'crumbs', exchanging, earning, and demanding as an entitlement are all not taking.)
- Participating in a community in which evaluation is not practiced. That is, give and take happens but without strings attached. This may take some searching, human nature being what it is such communities are not common. This likely will seem, 'corny' and pointless at first before the benefits are felt.
- Rigorous honesty. With shame, even white lies to protect others should be kept to a minimum, because the impression management motive can be hidden in any small dishonesty. Honesty is more than just not telling lies, it includes openness appropriate to the present situation, and putting oneself regularly into situations where great openness is appropriate.
- Twelve step groups. These are controversial with some because of the inclusion of 'God' or higher power. To my mind, this is just short-hand for accepting that one is part of a natural order that is greater than one-self. This is the essence of true humility. The steps are really about honesty, humility, and fellowship.
- Treating oneself with respect. Self-deprecation must stop. If one comes to respect oneself, one will automatically respect others. Disrespecting oneself with the idea of saving up more respect for others never works. Respond with polite curiosity to others that are showing disrespect. One may either learn something valuable, or at least resist taking on the energy.
- Self-Indemnification The best nurture is a relationship in which a child feels he or she can do no real wrong as far as the adult is concerned. The adult is responsible for making sure that the environment is safe for this to be true, and for absorbing small inconveniences. Adults with basic fault did not have enough of this, and are presently constantly finding fault with themselves, and hopelessly trying to manage or prevent small inconveniences others may experience from their actions. But we are all inconvenienced by each other, this is the human condition. Self-indemnification is the conscious determination to proceed as though one felt that one's actions were good (which of course actually is the case) and let others manage their own inconvenience. This is part of self-acceptance.