Infidelity
Before addressing any individual instance of infidelity, a strong distinction needs to made between infidelity as a power behavior, and infidelity as a search for an alternative source of attachment, affection, sex, or validation.
Power infidelity is a long-standing pattern of one or more partners that likely predates the relationship. If so, it is very likely to occur very early and often. The goal is often to have as many simultaneous 'relationships' as possible. Almost always, both the faithful 'spouse' and the 'lover' or 'lovers' are all told they are the 'real' love object. An old fashioned term is 'chronic philanderer' and a newer term is 'player' or 'spinning plates.' Power based infidelity can be clarified in couples therapy, but it is very hard to treat it, as power behavior tends to be associated with psychopathic personality or malignant narcissism. It is perhaps more common with men but my no means limited to men. Despite the potential for more than one affair at a time, power infidelity is a small proportion of all affairs. Occasionally, a 'double-life' scenario with 'two families' each unaware of the other, is heard about, and while this has aspects of power, it is usually an attachment based maneuver by a very secretive, reserved, or compartmentalized person.
To make terminology in the discussion that follows consistent but also neutral, the three people involved in any affair triangle will now on be referred to as affair partner, straying spouse, and uninvolved spouse. An uninvolved spouse usually is faithful, but on occasion may also be having an affair of his or her own, but for any given triangle the dynamic is the same. Also for clarity, any committed or exclusive relationship will be referred to as 'marriage,' and the participants 'spouses.'
Attachment based infidelity on the other-hand, usually has one relationship grow cooler as one grows 'hotter.' There are only two 'love objects', forming a triangle. The affair partner knows about the uninvolved spouse, but the uninvolved spouse doesn't know about the affair partner. Often this type of affair is as much or more about managing anxiety and emotion in the primary relationship then it is about a new relationship The primary relationship (even if cold and distant) is usually a safe relationship, and the side relationship is usually a dangerous or exciting relationship. Each makes the other possible. Attachment-based affairs may be 'love affairs' or 'just sex' or anywhere in between, and this of course will affect the experience of the participants, but many of the triangular dynamics are the same. A straying spouse may on occasion be taken in by a player, but for that spouse, the affair is attachment based. Very immature, chaotic, 'drama' infused infidelity is also attachment based
Affairs where the participants appear to be just 'greedy' for sexual opportunity still qualify as attachment based because that is a way of relating. In true sexual addiction, the activity is more about achieving a 'trance' as a type of high (see my page on addiction) than about either power or attachment. Therefore, despite infidelity, real relationships don't exist. Sexual addiction requires knowledgeable assessment and treatment. Infidelity, even repeat, is not by itself proof of sexual addiction.
Though of course this is a secretive area with a lot of reasons to under-report, it is estimated that about 40% of both heterosexual men and women will have some infidelity in their lifetime (of course the number is the same for men and women, there are not more than a tiny amount of either sex having affairs with more than one straying spouse). Another way to look it at is the estimate that 75% of couples will be touched with infidelity
What is an Affair?
Shirley Glass's definition (endorsed by Esther Perel) has three elements: 1) a secret relationship. 2) with an emotional connection, and 3) sexual 'alchemy'. This includes both physical affairs and emotional affairs. What about an act that occurs just once, was not premeditated, and is not repeated? Well all three elements of Perel's definition are there (the secrecy, and the excitement from secrecy, is there going forward) (And of course, 'just once' may be a false admission upon discovery)
It may be helpful to think in terms of three situations: 1) where the straying spouse attempts to maintain the primary relationship as before using secrecy and a 'double life', 2) where the straying spouse meets somebody and changes behavior in the primary relationship rather drastically, making quick discovery likely, but fails to be honest and fails to clearly end the primary relationship, and 3) where the discontented spouse meets someone and immediately cleanly leaves the primary relationship. All three situations feel like betrayal, but the dynamics described on this page really only apply to the first two situations, especially the first.
Also, the acting out of sex addiction, if there is not continuity with one person, is again a betrayal but not so likely to follow an infidelity dynamic.
What is the difference between an emotional affair and healthy flirting or sexual polarity? In healthy flirting the feeling and energy can and is brought back to the uninvolved spouse. In an emotional affair, there is an alienation from the uninvolved spouse, and the straying spouse feels he or she has to 'protect' the feelings and energy from the uninvolved spouse, hence the secrecy which is Glass' first element. Emotional affairs are based on sexual desire (or 'alchemy'), which can be all the stronger while not consummated. Affairs are often more about desire than sex, but sex is necessary. If it was absolutely certain that an emotional affair would not lead to sex it would lose its holding power. Also a great many physical affairs are deceptively described as 'emotional' because what happens behind closed doors cannot be proven.
Why Do Affairs Happen?
There is no single reason for affairs, though it would be possible to come up with a medium-sized list that covered most infidelities. But the question of 'why', while natural, is not practical in dealing with an affair. It is not the 'why' or meaning of an affair which is relevant in rebuilding a marriage, but the function of an affair--what the it allowed to happen and what it prevented from happening. A close second in practicality is understanding the 'how' of an affair.
It is certainly not possible to attribute most affairs to mistreatment. If anything, a spouse who is 'over-benefitted' in the relationship is likelier to stray. (It is a general finding in social psychology that the better treated someone is, the less loyal he or she is.)
Why Don't Therapists Emphasize Morality More?
It is not possible or natural to study infidelity in a completely detached manner. Stories of great lasting pain abound. So also do stories of growth and self-definition. Love, guilt, betrayal, liberation, humiliation, eroticism, cruelty, and sensuousness all exist together in many affairs. But some affairs are textbook examples of narcissism and exploitation. Though it is a double-standard, objectively, it is almost always the case that a straying spouse feels devastated if they find out their spouse is also having an affair, while still feeling justified about their own affair. Each spouse wants to know, who is on his or her side?
Is it always wrong to have an affair? What about cruel, disabled or absent spouses? What about sexless marriages (more on this below under reconciliation) Often the deception to the uninvolved spouse is rationalized as protecting his or her feelings, but if the uninvolved spouse finds out, the deception compounds the pain or may even be its main source. Few affairs are premeditated, but some are. What about the assertion of many straying spouses that they are making their marriages work, or even enhancing them? How can the idea that some affairs are justifiable be reconciled to the certainty of pain to the uninvolved spouse upon discovery? If there are children, can it be better for them if there is a 'quiet' affair and no divorce? In cases of supposed non-discovery, does the tension of both knowing (in the gut) but not knowing (in the mind, for a fact) weaken the sanity and dignity of those involved? How can all this be reconciled?
While relationships must have justice to thrive, love and sex cannot always be forced into a format of fairness and remain themselves. What needs to be reconciled (from a therapeutic point of view) are two people, not two or more ideas or beliefs. The need exists even when the affair hasn't been discovered yet. Affairs, whatever the seeming benefits to the participants, invariably erode the respect toward the other spouse, slowly replacing it with contempt. If contempt was there before, it is increased.
Since therapists come into the picture of infidelity after the fact, it is not a matter of being pro- or anti-affair but pro- or anti-punishment. Punishment will not get anyone the love or relationship that they want.
As is described below, affairs offer an easy way to feel better or feel more alive, unlike the struggle to either leave a relationship cleanly or make it work (which as David Schnarch writes, takes the same skills.) Affairs are often entered into relatively unconsciously. Repairing a relationship, with or without infidelity or its discovery, must be done consciously.
The Erotic Holding Power of an Affair
Straying partners often feel justified in starting and continuing affairs because it feels so good or exciting. The good feeling is attributed to the specific match up with the affair partner. The straying spouse may believe they have found true love. He or she usually starts to believes the uninvolved spouse was a 'bad choice', and that the affair partner is the 'right choice.' Although it is possible that the straying spouse is more compatible with the affair partner than the uninvolved spouse, this is not necessarily the case, and compatibility really only comes to the forefront when domesticity is attempted, which doesn't happen in an affair.
Affair sex is very powerful, and while there may or may not be a contribution to this by the personal characteristics of the affair partner, mostly this is for the for the following reasons:
- Coolidge Effect This term has a story behind it. The President and Mrs. Coolidge were being shown around an experimental government farm. When Mrs. Coolidge came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, "Dozens of times each day." Mrs. Coolidge said, "Tell that to the President when he comes by." Upon being told, the President asked, "Same hen every time?" The reply was, "Oh, no, Mr. President, a different hen every time." President: "Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge." There are two aspects to the coolidge effect. A novel partner increases libido for the straying spouse, and if the uninvolved spouse knows, their libido will increase, and their desire for the straying spouse will increase.
- Transgressive Effect Breaking rules heightens sexual feeling, as does the possibility of being caught. This is biology. Transgressions can be breaking social norms, or it can be violating the rights of others in some way. While the coolidge effect above applies to open relationships as well as infidelity, the transgressive effect applies only to infidelity. However, infidelity also happens in open relationships (to garner the transgressive effect)
- Halo Effect Because a straying spouse has more sexual feeling from the coolidge and transgressive effects, they will enjoy sex even with the uninvolved spouse more (or dislike it less) This underlies the often-made justification that an affair is saving or enhancing a marriage.
- Jealousy Effect Knowing that a love object is having sex with someone else increases libido generally and desire for that love object particularly. This generally applies to the uninvolved spouse after discovery but it can also apply to the straying spouse if the affair partner is in a relationship or dating others. Ironically, in a post-discovery period, the coolidge, halo, and jealousy effects can heat up and intensify the sexual relationship between the two original spouses, but this is not a sign of reconciliation.
- Chemical Effect An affair puts into the body a chemical mixture of phenylethylamine, dopamine, oxytocin, adrenaline, and perhaps other chemicals. When contact stops, craving can begin. Affairs can be addictive. They often impair work performance (even affairs with the boss), school performance, and parenting.
- Obstacle Effect In an affair there are obstacles to being together all the time, and obstacles strengthen desire. Obstacles are a important element in the phenomenon of limerence, or 'falling in love.' In romantic comedies, hallmark movies, and other love stories, the plot consists of a chance meeting, obstacles to being together, some coming together, more obstacles, then finally overcoming those obstacles, and the movie ends. The movie always ends when the relationship begins. In an affair, the movie never ends because the relationship never really begins. An affair prolongs the first part of a relationship, perhaps over many years.
- Dating Effect Because time together with the affair partner is limited, it is spent focused on each other, and on pleasurable activity. The mundane is avoided. Like going on a date, there is anticipation, and preparation as far as grooming and clothing. Most importantly, in between the couple doesn't see each other.
- Work Place Effect Affairs at work are extremely common. Both people arrive well-dressed and well-groomed. Projects are collaborated on. It is easy for one participant to have dominance (which is erotic) enhanced and secured by position, experience or training. Powerful business triumphs may be shared. Nobody deals with laundry, dishes, or childcare, etc ... Travel, even for business is romantic, and of course hotels are involved without drawing suspicion. Academic settings also are ripe for affairs, asymmetrically as with faculty-student affairs, but often between two older students as well.
- Power Effect Having a secret over someone is having some power over that person (perhaps not objectively as regards to an affair but the subjective feeling will be there) Power is an aphrodisiac. Sometimes sadism creeps in, especially if all three parties know each other--for instance the affair couple may touch each other under the table when the uninvolved spouse is there, or there may be oral sex when one of them is talking to the uninvolved spouse on the phone etc. The power effect often enhances affairs at work because the greatest power in our culture is corporate. As mentioned at the top of this page, while power is the main focus of some people having an affair, it may play little role with others.
- Splitting Effect The affair partner often is the opposite in personality to the uninvolved spouse. Each relationship allows the straying spouse to experience something different and show something different. Neither of the two experiences is inherently right. Its not unheard of for a straying partner to enter a later marriage with an uninvolved spouse like the affair partner in their previous marriage, and then have an affair with a person like their uninvolved spouse in the previous marriage.
- Mystery Effect Not knowing everything about the other person helps maintain eroticism. In an affair, exposure is limited and focused on sex, so for instance, its not known how the affair partner is with their family and spouse.
- Romantic Effect Romance generally is the sentiment that feelings of love transcend rules, place and time. Romantic lovers want to feel transported to a place without distractions from each other or other mundane concerns. An affair does this automatically, while protecting the romantic bubble, because when the lovers descend to normal life, it is with other people.
Non-Erotic Draws of an Affair
- Self-Definition Because it is already 'off the books' of social, familial, or group norms, affairs can be experienced as helping find out one's true nature or non-sexual desires. There is nothing to lose in a sense and criticism is moot at this point.
- Validation Everyone wants to feel lovable, attractive, exciting, and competent by being looked on as exactly that by important others. Spouses tend, after the honeymoon period, to fall into routines of invalidating each other, but in affairs, invalidating behavior happens only at the end.
Issue of an Undiscovered Affair
A common question about infidelity is whether a straying spouse should confess an affair that is over but has not been discovered. It is at times suggested that some uninvolved spouses don't want to know, but this can often be self-serving excuse. Many authorities point out that the pain to the uninvolved spouse will be considerable and may have no real benefit. The straying spouse may sometimes feel guilty. Confession is a remedy for guilt but has to be weighed against the anguish of the uninvolved spouses, some of whom may truly not have the coping ability to recover. If the deception and alienation has been extensive however, it is hard to see how there will not be a barrier in the relationship going forward.
Another question is whether it is not sometimes a case that a 'well-managed' affair that continues without discovery cannot be the best solution for everyone. There are many anecdotal first person accounts that assert this. Some straying spouses are seemingly able to compartmentalize each relationship, and perhaps, avoid developing any additional distaste for the uninvolved spouse. It is not possible to disprove the idea of a beneficial affair in all possible scenarios, but what can be said is that the benefits of an affair make themselves known immediately, while the costs accumulate silently and are often under-appreciated. Also, the extent to which the uninvolved spouse knows 'something' is wrong somewhere and aches quietly is underestimated by straying spouses.
The Stages of Relationship Limbo
Michelle Langely, in studying infidelity, came to see that affairs (except power-driven infidelity) arise and continue in the midst of a slow progressive process of relationship dissolution. She conceptualized three stages, and called the overall process limbo because the straying partner was not actively working to improve his or her primary relationship, was experiencing an estrangement from the uninvolved spouse, but was not ending the relationship cleanly, so that a dismal situation dragged on for a long time, perhaps years. But underneath the stagnation, alienation continues, and eventually the marriage must end. Interestingly, the affair often ends at that point as well. Langely concentrated on 'female' infidelity, so while the model presented below seems to apply to both genders and same-sex relationships, it may reflect somewhat more precisely a pattern for heterosexual women. As alluded to in the section above on undiscovered affairs, it may be that in a minority of cases, the straying partner is able to compartmentalize both the affair and the primary relationship, and so, whatever the harms, limbo as a concept implying inevitable discovery and transition does not apply.
Relevant to this discussion is Michelle Wiener Davis' concept of a Walk Away Wife The term comes from a phenomenon seen in many counseling offices in which the wife 'suddenly' initiates a divorce to the great surprise of the husband. The wife is by that time so alienated that even if realistic efforts by the husband to change start to occur, they are seen as too little too late. The women has been ready to go, though she may or may not have known it, for years. The walk away gets triggered usually either when the children leave or she meets somebody. While a walk away is not an affair, the pattern of silent or unacknowledged alienation may be similar, and help explain the estrangement seen in stage 1 of limbo.
Stage 1 At this stage, the spouse that will stray feels as though something is missing in their lives. They feel they have all the things that they wanted—a home, a family, a great uninvolved spouse—but feel they should be happier. Over time, many of the women notice a distinct loss of sexual desire; this is less true the men. Wives spent a great deal of energy trying to avoid physical contact with their husbands for fear it might lead to a sexual encounter. They frequently complained of physical ailments to avoid having sex and often tried to avoid going to bed at the same time as their husbands. They viewed sex as a job, not unlike doing the dishes or going to the grocery store. Some of the women claimed that when their husbands touched them, they felt violated; they said their bodies would freeze up and they would feel tightness in their chest and/or a sick feeling in their stomach. Men feel rejection and often bury themselves in work or hobbies hoping passively that things will get better. Men may also get secretly resentful at this stage, missing the affirmation of a women's respect and sexual acceptance. Although there is not a third person at this point, this is how affairs and limbo start.
Stage 2 Spouses at this stage experience reawakened desire stimulated by encounters outside the marital relationship. Whether the new relationships involve sex or remain 'emotional affairs', they become the most significant thing to the straying spouse. Many of the women had felt no sexual desire for a long time, and many of the men had not felt desired. In the beginning most spouses feel guilt and regret and did not have sex right away but remained in contact with the stimulus person. Most experience what could be termed an identity crisis— even those who try to put the experience behind them. Constant reminders are everywhere. They feel when the topic of infidelity arises. They could no longer express their prior disdain for infidelity without feeling like hypocrites. Many tried to overcome feelings of guilt by becoming more attentive toward and appreciative of their spouses. Over, time however, most straying spouses resolve the turmoil by demonizing the uninvolved spouse, and justifying the affair in terms of desires and needs that were not being met in the marriage, or in terms of the uninvolved spouse’s past behavior. It is at this point that the affair is consummated physically, usually with the original stimulus but sometimes that person is not available and another affair partner is found..
Stage 3 Spouses at this stage are consumed with the mechanics of affairs, organizing their lives around the affair partners availability. Deceiving the uninvolved spouse becomes routine business. The straying spouse may respect the uninvolved spouse less and less for their trusting nature. He or she usually becomes bolder and bolder. Discovery usually happens at this stage, and while it adds to the complexity of the limbo, it does not end it. Straying spouses feel “alive” again and many believe that they have found their soul mates. They feel 'in love' (limerence). On the other hand, many attempts are made to end the affair. Prior to meeting with their lovers, straying spouses will vow that this will be the last time, but are unable to stick with their decisions.
Limbo can be prolonged, perhaps for years if the affair partner is married or the uninvolved spouse 'looks the other way.' However, limbo is still a progressive process in which respect and trust is eroded. The uninvolved spouse, perhaps having found out or at least knowing something is wrong, often initiates attempts to win back the straying spouses affection, but this usually has the opposite effect. Straying spouses have a distaste for spending time with the uninvolved spouse, perhaps stronger in women than in men. Straying spouses will become less responsible, sometimes doing the bare minimum in parenting, household maintenance, or work. The uninvolved spouse will often feel "I don't know this person anymore."
Often a trial separation is proposed by the straying spouse, ostensibly to find discernment about the marriage, but really so that the affair partner can be hosted more easily.
Doing a 180
Michelle Wiener Davis has developed a guideline for an uninvolved spouse in a situation where an affair has been discovered or is suspected. While it can be misunderstood as a strategy (and Davis' background is in the strategic school of family therapy) it is really just the natural course of action of a self-respecting person when he or she has been betrayed, duped, ignored, taken for granted, disrespected, or even has a spouse excessively distracted from the relationship by work school or hobby. It need not be limited to infidelity--it can be of great assistance whenever one's spouse is acting powerful, secretive and unaccountable. The actions are not retaliatory or toxic, they are actually fairly good boundaries though of course they would be a bit cold and detached for a healthy relationship.
The guideline does get it name from the fact that so commonly, out of fear and pain, most uninvolved spouses pursue the straying partner in a desperate way. Pursuit prolongs the limbo process. The 180 is an antidote to limbo. The spouse having the affair usually feels powerful, and pursuing them gives them more power, which is intoxicating. The 180 is not itself a plan for a good relationship or reconciliation, it is just one, a means of achieving peace of mind for the uninvolved spouse, and two, an antidote to the limbo process.
- Don’t pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
- No frequent phone calls.
- Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.
- Don’t follow her/him around the house.
- Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
- Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.
- Don’t ask for reassurances.
- Don’t buy or give gifts.
- Don’t schedule dates together.
- Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very lovable.
- Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
- Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
- Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
- When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!
- If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
- Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!
- Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.
- No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
- All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
- Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!
- Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
- Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
- Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
- Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
- Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
- Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
- Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
- Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
- Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.
- Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
- Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
- When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.
Reconciliation
- Reconciliation may not be in the best interests of the uninvolved spouse if infidelity is of the psychopathic or narcissistic type and therefore likely to re-occur over and over.
- It is not possible for the straying partner to stay in contact with the affair partner and work on the primary relationship at the same time. Superficially it is logical to think of oneself as making a careful choice between two options. Actually though each of the two relationships will remain distorted, needing the other to make it possible. A choice has to be made. It usually cannot be made instantly, but not making it reasonably soon is a decision to try to keep having both (limbo)
- An affair pulls for strong justification, and all grievances or blaming the straying spouse may have are taken over by this strong pull that continues as long as the affair continues. It is pointless to try to 'work out' differences while the affair continues because the uninvolved spouse must always be found 'wrong' to justify the affair.
- After discovery, the straying spouse almost always will try to establish a friendly state with the uninvolved spouse, with some expressions of affection, gratitude, or familiarity. The uninvolved spouse (especially if a man) tends to misinterpret this as a bid for reconciliation. He or she then tries to escalate the situation romantically or sexually and is rebuffed quickly. Bitterness and confusion is the result. The straying spouse wants it friendly and wants it to stay there! The time if any to escalate is when limbo (that is the affair) has ended completely.
- As suggested above, affairs have an addictive nature to them, and truthfulness and honesty are the first causality of addiction, even with people of high native honesty. This is a time for the uninvolved spouse to be very skeptical. There is a saying "believe nothing you hear, and only half of what you see". There is also the concept of trickle truth, that is, the straying spouses only confirms a tiny portion of what has happened in response to the uninvolved spouse finding it out anyway.
- 'Hoovering' or a change of tactics by the straying spouse, such as being attentive or sexual with the uninvolved spouse, after an affair is discovered or suspected is not a sign of readiness to reconcile, it is a sign that he or she wants to hang on to the limbo. When ready to start to reconcile the straying spouse will air grievances with vehemence.
- Likewise weak attempts to do just enough to keep the uninvolved spouse engaged and indecisive are not part of reconciliation but just more limbo.
- There will be a tendency for the straying spouse to claim the affair 'meant nothing' and was either 'just' sex, or 'just' emotion, depending on which is least inflammatory to the uninvolved partner. However, nobody resists discussing something that 'meant nothing', and nobody invests the time, risks, and resources involved in an affair for 'nothing.'
- The 180 described above
- is not punishment but sanity, and there are benefits to running it for a while, even while the previously straying spouse seems to be 'doing the right things.
- It is painful but true that apart from chronic philanderers, most straying spouses will cherish the experience, as something that was liberating at the time, helped them know themselves, allowed them to experience themselves differently etc. They can and should, if reconciliation is attempted, regret the effects on the spouse, feel guilt about the deceptions, and see the affair as clearly behind them. It can be a block to reconciliation to try to get the straying spouse to see the affair as all negative.
- In this era, converting to an open relationship will possibly cross the mind of somebody, if only as a 'talking point'. First non-monogamy is rarely wanted, even by the straying spouse. Second, the loyalties are wrong--in an open or polyamorous relationship, the feeling and zest of being with other people is brought back to the primary relationship. In an affair, the direction of flow has been opposite. Third, this suggestion is often coercive to the uninvolved spouse, as if to say "you can only have me this way" (crumbs). Fourth, an open or truly polyamorous relationship can only be built on a very strong relationship, and that is not the case here.
- If the straying partner decides to end the affair, there will very likely be relapses and episodic contact. (After all, this ambivalence was going on before discovery) The 180 should stay in effect for a considerable time in which the straying partner shows sustained legitimate interest in the uninvolved spouse and the relationship. This is not for punishment but for sanity.
- Both spouses, but certainly the uninvolved spouse, need to be prepared to lose some illusions, this is painful but healthy. Idealizing one's spouse, or idealizing a gender or type, or idealizing marriage, just will not work. It does not work even in the absence of infidelity.
- The straying spouse needs to grieve the loss of the affair partner. Only with grieving are losses put into the past. This is provocative to the uninvolved spouse of course-- another reason to keep the 180 going. The straying spouse may blame the uninvolved spouse for the loss of the affair. This blame should not be accepted of course but it is not a sign of depravity but of grief. Grieving is a sign that the affair is over for the straying spouse.
- The uninvolved spouse, especially if a man, will often want to press for sexual details. This is human and understandable but it will probably never work. It is inherently too shaming, especially for women who have strayed. This will be very provocative to the uninvolved spouse since it is a microcosm of the fundamental betrayal of hiding a sexual experience from the uninvolved spouse. It will seem in a way the the affair is still going on. Difficult as it seems, this might have to be considered something private rather than secret. After all, a woman will rarely disclose intimate details of a relationship prior to the marriage. What should be disclosed honestly is the meaning and feeling effect the affair had on the straying partner, and the extent of the deceptions.
- "The Best" When the straying spouse is a woman and the uninvolved spouse is a man, there is a possible extension to the difficulty above. Men, whether it is at the front of their minds or not, always want the sexual best from their partner. That is, they want to feel that there is nothing sexual that she has done with someone else that she is not doing with him. (And yes, this extends to past behaviors she may have felt manipulated into or didn't enjoy). The thought that a woman has done something sexual with another man that she won't with her current spouse is disturbing to him in some degree--it brings up the feeling that he is being withheld from and is deemed inferior. At the start of a new relationship, this problem is usually handled by the woman's discretion, honeymoon feelings, and belief that "the best is yet to come." When an affair is discovered, this issue sometimes comes roaring back, and can be one of the hardest to overcome. To make a generalization, what women are willing to do or want to do depends on how they are feeling about man at that moment, so 1) affair sex, being transgressional and exciting, often does include 'non-marital' behaviors, and 2) demanding that a reconciliation-mind wife just 'give' this to her husband without 'feeling it' will only increase contempt. If this is a persistent difficulty, strong attention needs to be paid to the point below.
- It must be emphasized that all of erotic effects that support an affair can be brought into a primary relationship, although it requires more consciousness and deliberateness. If the same creativity that was used to arrange meetings etc is applied to the marriage quite a bit of excitement can be arranged! If the primary relationship had become sexless, the straying spouse will be skeptical about the possibility of passion returning. Sex out of duty will never work of course. Sex as homework for the couple may work in this period but they must understand and bring some of the dynamics of eroticism to the scheduled activity. Trying to return back into a sexless marriage will, at the least, be bitter, and likely short lived.
- Straying partners will rarely feel remorse until a basic reconciliation has occurred. Trying to get that from them early on will just refresh the basic alienation that existed in the first place. Remorse may come later.
- Some authorities suggest that the straying partner be put on a probation, lose privacy, have their phone checked etc.. This makes the uninvolved spouse a 'cop' and suspicion may become a type of fetish. Perhaps this has some role very early in reconciliation where resolve is shaky and the straying spouse may be tempted to test. Affairs allow the straying spouse to feel powerful, and a dose of dis-empowerment may be therapeutic. But over the long-term, no relationship will thrive on this basis.
- The uninvolved spouse will likely feel extra injustice at suggestions they work at some relationship skill. After all, it is not necessary to have had a bad marriage or be a neglectful spouse to experience infidelity. But to reconcile after one, it is necessary to have an excellent marriage. Without dismissing the fact that they have been hurt, no one can be handed a great relationship as 'victim's compensation'. It is an interactional product that requires roughly equal investment from both participants.
- If the uninvolved spouse has a pattern of pleasing, being 'nice' or other-focused, this must be addressed robustly at this time because the tendency to look to the straying spouse for validation will result in great pain. The 180 is more valuable than ever in this situation.