Relationship Glossary

Accountability Taking ownership of one's actions and accepting their consequences cheerfully, or at least without resentment, blame, or justification. It is built from responsibility and honesty. It is not the same as taking the blame.

Acceptance is a very basic part of love. In this context, it means unconditional acceptance of another’s way of being, whether it is to one's liking and advantage or not. It also implies cheerfulness—by contrast, resignation, the belief that one can’t change something, is not acceptance.

Addiction An attitude toward life composed of black and white thinking, blaming others, relating to others as a victim, quick fixes, and instant mood change. This way of thinking quite often leads to chemical dependency, which adds a physiological layer and reinforces this way of thinking. Addiction can also be expressed in compulsive resort to mood altering behavior such as shopping, hoarding, gambling etc.

Affection is warmth and energy given freely. It includes gentle touch, smiles, warm tone of voice and soft eye contact.

Agreements are made between two parties who are both able to consent. To reach an agreement it is necessary to ask for what one wants clearly and also necessary to accept “no” In a relationship, agreements  are a way to allow two people to do what they already want to do better. It is a mistake in a relationship to attempt to 'enforce' it so that one person ends up doing what they do want to do. if an agreement is not kept, it is usually a sign of a bad agreement.

Allowing is permitting others to do what they want and find their own way without judgment or questioning on our part. In important relationships, allowing implies actual support such as covering childcare or housework, or allowing spending etc.

Anger A healing emotion when experienced without shame, but frequently distorted into rage and hatred. Anger arises when our safety or integrity, or that of our loved ones, is threatened.

Apology A one person attempt to repair a relationship by disowning previous behavior. It has some usefulness in casual situations, or in a relationship with abundant trust and rare wounding. Apologies are useless in a relationship with domestic abuse, addiction or other cyclical or shame-based behavior, because in these instances, an apology, at least as it is usually understood, becomes a tool of a greater denial--it is just too easy. Behavior, and the goal behind it, must be owned for change to occur.

Appreciation is valuing what another does. It can include praise and compliments, but is also shown by looking forward to another’s presence and offerings.

Approval A judgment that something someone has done or said fits our idea of what is right. May be appropriate in some situations, but it has nothing to do with love and makes a poor substitute for it. In a relationship based on approval or disapproval (which is perhaps the case with most), it is disapproval that tends to drive most interactions since more than just guarded approval will always seem to be losing all control to the parties. The result is discouragement, or low self-esteem. A relationship built on the “five A’s” of love, however, can include a modest amount of approval (or conditional love) with good results.

Attention Being with and seeing another person without interference from judgment, memory, projection, or resentment. It includes curiosity and wonder and willingness to be surprised.

Blame Placing the entire responsibility for one’s actions or feeling on another person or external event, and insisting that others agree.

Boundaries are also known as limits   Boundaries vary from relationship to relationship but are set without the cooperation of the other—they are not products of negotiation. Boundaries are decisions that protect fundamental safety or integrity, indicating what one will and will not tolerate. If you are describing a boundary, you will state what you will do, rather than try to state what the other person will do—for example, “If you hit me, I will end the relationship,” or “If you steal my car, I will call the police.” However, if you don’t mean it, such statements are not boundaries, but threats. The difference between control and boundaries is that control is meant to make others what you need them to be but boundaries make it safe for us to be ourselves.

Commitment 1) Deciding in advance that one will follow a rule even, and especially, if this rule compels one to do what one does not want to do, 2) the rigidity that definition 1 implies, 3) full sincere participation in what one is doing in the present, 4) the relative stability in a relationship that definition 3 brings about.

Compassion A deep interest in others that comes about from an understanding of their suffering. Compassion differs from empathy in that it includes a strong desire to connect and to lessen the suffering. Compassion requires passion or it becomes merely niceness

Contempt Conveying in words or actions that the other is lesser than (and by implication we are better than). It includes insults, ignoring, sarcasm, tone of voice, and body language. Along with neglect this is the most usual and potent means of transmitting shame to others especially the next generation.

Control A defense against the experience of shame. Control is an orientation toward managing a particular out come in a situation or ensuring a certain response. The opposite of control is allowing, and a respectful to control is influence.

Defense Any thought or behavior intended to avoid 1) Accepting what is 2) Feeling inferior. All humans employ defenses, but they are destructive when they are used so often that they prevent learning from experience.

Defensive Humor refers to joking or laughing when serious subjects are being discussed, either directly by making light of the issue, or indirectly by avoiding the issue

Denial is properly a temporary defense against overwhelming loss, and as such it is human and useful. Denial also can be used habitually to avoid the experience of shame by refusing to know or listen to anything that threatens our self-image. As such, denial becomes the foundation of dishonest living and continued suffering.

Dissociation is a term that includes all ways of not being totally present in the moment. Includes intoxication, daydreaming, hallucination, resentment, denial, hardening our hearts, flashbacks, living in the future etc

Distancing is moving away just enough physically or emotionally from a person to give a sense of being safe from influence or obligation, while at the same time remaining close enough to keep tabs on them. This differs from separation and from abandonment, though it may provoke fear of abandonment in others.

Dominance is the situation in which one person's goals and wishes have to fit within the goals and wishes of another person.

Drama In relationships, drama is manipulating others so that one's own conflicts can be acted out on a 'larger stage' or allowing oneself to be manipulated by others for the same purpose. In drama, the response of others becomes paramount, so that one's own actions no longer arise out of conviction but rather arise out of a strategy of some sort. Drama decreases anxiety in the short run, but leads to estrangement from what really brings satisfaction.

Drama Triangle A term used to describe repeating efforts to avoid adult responsibility by acting in the roles of persecutor, rescuer, and victim.

Dramatic Exit Suddenly leaving during an argument or difficult time. This may be with a threat never to come back. The intention is to affect the feelings or actions of the other person or to regain a sense of control when control seems lost. This differs from a time out where it is understood that the exit is temporary, and for the benefit of the person leaving. Dramatic exits may avoid drama and escalation in the short run, but they lay the groundwork for it in the long run because issues are not resolved and resentments and the orientation toward control remains. Also these exits often are followed by shame based behaviors like addictive use.

Emotion 1) Various states of feeling or energy in the body (think e-motion equals ‘energy in motion’) 2) Thoughts to which these energies or feelings give rise. The states of emotion in the first definition happen, they are not chosen. What can be chosen is whether true emotion is suppressed in some way, or expressed honestly. Defenses often distort the expression of emotions in our thoughts and behavior.

Empathy is understanding the emotions and desires of another. It includes at least the following key elements. 1) The feelings make sense to us 2) We do not dispute or judge the feelings. 3) We can imagine ourselves in their place (“in their shoes”) 4) Our own tender feelings are affected. Simply being able to name or identify the other’s feelings is helpful, but it does not bestow the full interpersonal power of empathy—therefore, effective empathy cannot be achieved by reasoning alone.

Excusing is acknowledging that something happened, but insisting, for ourselves or others, that a natural or typical consequence should not apply. Excusing often puts focus on the judgment of whether the excuse is true or valid, and takes attention away from accountability. Relationships will become adversarial quickly if much excusing develops. Excusing is different from forgiveness

Expectations are attachments to a particular response or outcome whether conscious or not. Expectations often reflect needs that one is too ashamed to ask for directly, either because the need is opposite to our self-image, or we cannot tolerate a no.

Forgetting is a very common involuntary process. It is sometimes attempted on purpose with hurts and problems in relationships to avoid conflict. Willful forgetting is not possible, and the attempt often leads to buried resentment. Can be used to describe letting-go, which can be successful.

Forgiveness involves moving past letting go, to a point in which one no longer feels damaged or held back by the original injury. Forgiveness is involuntary, it cannot be forced. The groundwork for forgiveness can be laid by repair, acceptance, grieving, and spiritual practice

Gaslighting describes actions that make another person believe he or she is crazy. The term comes from the 1944 movie Gaslight starring Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman. In this movie, the Charles Boyer character gaslights his new wife, Ingrid Bergman. He secretly turns the gas off and on from the attic. When his wife reports the lights fluctuating, he responds as though her perception is not only wrong but not believable. Since he knows exactly what is going on, he is able to convey the feeling of certainty, which even though he is lying, provides a convincingness to his statements. It is not necessary to deliberately manipulate the environment to gaslight another person (although this happens). Every time a correct suspicion is denied by someone who knows what is happening, that is gaslighting.

Getting Even A phrase most often used to describe one person seeking revenge, but can also describe two people mistakenly attempting a repair by balancing hurts.

Grievances are all the ideas and feelings about an injury we have received, together with all our efforts to address it. Most grievances are handled as positions, but they needn’t be. Also many grievances evaporate when the resentment is removed. Grievances free of resentment and unstuck to positions can be the basis for healing a wound or repairing a relationship.

Honesty is, at a bare minimum not telling lies. However, for relationships to flourish, honesty must also include both not taking advantage of another’s misunderstanding, and revealing ourselves candidly.

Influence A change in another person’s perception of the world due to the experience with another person. Influence cannot be forced or managed. Getting someone to do something is getting a reaction but not influencing since the motivation does not come from inside that person. Ironically attempts to control decrease influence

Jealousy Fear that there is not enough love to go around and that if we do not control the love of another person we will not be OK. Jealousy is not a reaction to a loss but rather an intolerance of the possibility of loss.

Just Enough is a pattern of avoiding the consequences of irresponsible behavior or insensitive acts by providing the promise of change or minimal change at the last minute. This often disarms others who were in the process of setting a limit, and the slide toward irresponsibility and passive aggression resumes.

Letting Go is a one-person process, in which the memories of past injuries real or imagined are separated from bitterness and hate and blame, and one’s actions are no longer organized around the hurt. Unlike resentment and regret, letting go includes acceptance of what has happened. When one has let go of something, a lot of energy is freed up. Letting go is different from dropping an issue. Letting go is not forgetting, but usually whatever is let go of is not thought about for long periods of time unless something incidentally reminds one. In letting go, the relaxation can usually be felt in one's body, hence the name. Letting go makes room for empathy. Compare to forgiveness.

Love as an experience is very much sought after. Love as an idea is so complex that it has eluded complete definition anywhere. The concept of love can be tackled by looking at aspects, such as attraction, selflessness, attention, appreciation, affection, acceptance, and allowing. (The last five are referred to as the five ‘A’ s of love by David Richo.)

Minimizing A type of blame in which actions that cannot be denied are admitted in partial form and their consequences downplayed.

Needs are basic conditions necessary to give and receive love. Conditions necessary to escape anxiety are not by that reason alone needs. Needs differ from demands in that trying to coerce needs make no sense, since coercion makes it impossible to give or receive love. Needs do not compel any other person to any specific action at any given moment (with the possible exception of a care-taker of an infant or small child). Some examples of needs

There is no final or complete list. It will probably be beneficial in this topic to discuss the semantic issue between 'needs' and 'wants.' Unfortunately, often there is a moral undertone to the distinction. To many 'wants', are things to be curtailed and only needs are legitimately pursued. This is a false distinction perpetuated by the predicament of many people facing others who feel they don't have enough to give, but who at the same time are uncomfortable saying no. That is, our desire presents problems when loved ones do not feel adequate. Desire becomes associated with shame and rejection.

Clearly some things are essential to survival and could be described as needs, and some things are inessential to survival, and could be described as wants. To organize an entire way of life around that distinction, though, shows a troubled relationship to desire.

Outburst an episode in which behavior suddenly becomes driven by a strong force and less interactive. Behaviors usually include violence, rage, addictive use, dramatic exits, verbal abuse, or attempts to totally control another physically. Once an outburst begins, self- or other soothing is usually not successful and the episode seems to have to run its course. Nonetheless, outburst is not synonymous with loss of control.

Persecutor as defined in the concept of the drama triangle refers to attempting to punish someone who has betrayed our expectations, or attempting to control their behavior to fit our positions. Also, those taking a victim or rescuer role in triangles tend to define others as persecutors. A common source of turmoil is attempting to relate to victim behavior with rescuing behavior and down the road being defined as a persecutor.

Perfectionism is the belief that one is only okay if one does everything right, knows everything important, and acts in a way that cannot be criticized. Since perfection is not humanly possible, this leads to stress, blame, denial, procrastination, and undermining others sense of competence with constant criticism and disapproval. Unlike conscientiousness, in perfection one mistake, real or perceived, seems to erase the entire value of work done up to that point. That is because perfectionism is not about producing excellence but rather about maintaining an image to cover a sense of shame. Perfectionism also promotes indecision and delay, since few options are 'perfect.'

Positions are fixed ideas about what is right, what is wrong, what we are entitled to, and what the other person must do. Interests, on the other hand is a word that describes general flexible desires and needs. Positions may have some role in maintaining a civil society and a personal sense of integrity but relationship conflict is dealt with much more successfully using interests rather than positions. Boundaries may seem like positions, but boundaries usually involve telling someone what we will do while positions are attempts to tell someone else what they will do Like expectations, positions may disguise unexpressed needs.

Projection is perceiving others as doing or feeling what oneself is doing or feeling. The projection arises because the feeling or behavior is unacceptable to oneself, and so is 'projected' onto the 'screen' of another. A strong clue to the presence of projection is an intense 'other-focus'. With self-focus, blind spots still exist but anxiety is dealt with differently. A sensitivity to the projection of others leads to projective identification.

Projective Identification: This is a somewhat complicated term from psychology, but it is a very useful idea in explaining how craziness arises and continues in relationships. In projective identification, another another person is manipulated to act in a way that justifies the manipulating person's attitude or position. It usually works this way 1) an interpersonal accusation is made which touches on the sensitivities of another person. 2) the accused person protests, loses composure, perhaps counterattacks, the 3) the behavior or attitude of the accused person after the accusation is as proof for the accusation. Projective identification usually works by stimulating fear, anxiety, guilt, or shame in the target person, and 'benefits' the projecting person by lessening those four things temporarily.

Rage is anger distorted by shame. Rage is a destructive action. It is intended to hurt, actually break someone or something. It is also blind and the attack is often against an innocent helpless person or child. Rage is also explosive, which means that it cannot be controlled once it blows. One can contain anger but not rage.

Reaction Formation Some feelings arouse anxiety and are viewed as unacceptable. To decrease anxiety, the opposite attitude or feelings come to mind only, while the disowned feeling remains unconscious. An extremely common reaction formation is niceness as a reaction to unexpressed anger. The hallmark of a reaction formation is that it is excessive and at times excludes common sense. Another aspect is the creation of a blind spot, for instance someone who has a reaction formation against acting directly in his or her self interest not only develops an ideology of sacrifice but will also be continually surprised that others are acting directly in their own self-interest. While a reaction formation is highly effective in reducing anxiety, it usually doesn't really work to filter behavior--the disowned attitude gets acted out anyway.

Relationship Repair A two person, voluntary, cooperative process to address past wounds in a relationship and re-establish good feelings and trust. Cannot be done by one person, and cannot be done from an orientation of control.

Responsibility The ability and inclination to respond promptly, cooperatively and enthusiastically to problems or tasks that arise in one’s life. Responsibility together with honesty produces accountability.

Restitution is repaying damages. It may be done to avoid punishment without any empathy for victim.

Reparation giving of time or goods either to one that we have harmed, to help make them whole again. When direct reparations are not possible, may be done indirectly to either some one similar to the one we have harmed, or to someone we definitely would not otherwise help if we did not need to heal in this way.

Rescuer A role in a drama triangle. When we feel we are not enough for another to love, we often think we can earn their love and loyalty by fixing things.

Regret is a dislike for one’s personal past choices and behaviors. We can regret actions and also failures to act. Regrets do take ownership of past choices but may minimize or paralyze present ability to make choices, and regret may or may not take ownership of the consequences.

Remorse is the emotion felt by the injurer after he or she has injured. Unlike regret and resentment, Remorse takes full ownership of past choices and their consequences. Remorse impels us to use present choices for repair and reparation if possible. Remorse and empathy go hand in hand.

Resentment is an attitude of bitterness and hate (cold, frozen rage) toward a person or group as a result of a real or imagined injury or wrong done to us. Resentments refuse ownership of both our past and present choices, and the consequences of those choices. Resentments consume energy, distort how we experience others, support blame, and make empathy impossible.

Rumination is attempting to change a situation or undo the past by thinking about it. A change in perception often can make one feel better about the past, but perceptual changes rarely occur from thinking alone, therefore rumination tends to be circular and never-ending.

Shame The affect or feeling of inferiority. It is the deep down worry that one is not enough, or that one is an imposter. Shame is easily transmitted to children through witnessing violence, addiction, blame, and irresponsibility. It can also be transmitted by over-protection, over-indulgence, or over-involvement as they grow. Internalized shame distorts otherwise healthy emotion into destructive drama or violence.

Taking the Blame is directing the bitter energy and irresponsibility of resentment back toward oneself in order to get along or gain approval. This is not a stable or long-lasting solution since the stance of blame tends to quickly move back into resentment.

Transparency in a community process consists of honestly explaining how decisions are made and how resources are distributed. Transparency in relationships consists of expressing one's actual desires, goals, emotions, motivations and preferences. Transparency both in the community and in relationships leads to a feeling of security.

Trolling Inviting another person to state a general opinion or preference and then responding as if the opinion was offensive or a personal attack or affront. This is a way of setting up a Projective Identification. The term became popular in reference to this behavior on internet forums but seems useful to refer to similar in-person behavior

Trust is an experience of remembered safety. It is not a mental stance and cannot be reached by thinking—at best thinking leads to evaluating risk as low, and that is different from trust in a person.  One cannot be convinced to trust, one can only be convinced to yield a usual boundary.

Violence is imposing one's will on another person (Mahatma Gandhi's definition)

Withdrawal is leaving or becoming quiet, either to avoid responsibility, or because one cannot tolerate strong feelings. It includes disappearing, addictive use, intellectualizing, and dissociation. It differs from distancing, in that there is less interest in the other person’s response.

White Lie is a lie told with the belief that one is preserving options for oneself that one should rightfully have. This perhaps contrasts with a 'black lie' that is told to exploit another person. Like all lies, however, white lies work against transparency, and easily slide into gas-lighting. Everyone tells white lies but defending or concealing white lies is often destructive.

White Projection is the inability to see what others are plainly doing if it is something that we would never do ourselves. It usually is of interest when it blinds someone to the fact that they are taken advantage of. Mere honesty or self-control is usually not strong to produce a white projection--rather they tend to arise from reaction formations.